Why I'd be an awesome boyfriend.

Make sure you read the post below this one.

1. I'm tall. 177 cm.
2. I'm very confident.
3. I don't compromise and I stick to my principles.
4. I love getting dirty, but I love getting clean too.
5. I'm going to learn how to cook.
6. I do chores.
7. I like hard physical labor.
8. I'd never expect you to dress up. But I'll ooh and aah when you do.
9. I'd never let you go.
10. I'm very stable emotionally.
11. I'm laid-back and easygoing.
12. I'm not ugly.
13. I'm very nice to talk to.
14. I'm fit.
15. I'd understand when you need space.
16. I'm fun. And slightly crazy.
17. I like long, pointless walks.
18. I have a mind of my own. I'm thick-headed, but open-minded.
19. I like to cuddle.
20. I'm very open and honest.
21. Dogs and children seem to like me.
22. I'm fierce, protective.
23. I love reading.
24. I like vegetables.
25. I don't eat much usually, but I can eat a lot. And I love food. I'd swap and share to have more variety!
26. I'm adventurous.
27. I'd make you laugh.
28. I like learning new things.
29. I want to backpack around the world.
30. I'm very horny.
31. I'd love you.

Why I'd be a bad boyfriend

1. I pick my nose whenever wherever
2. I have an Enormous ego, and I actually think it fits my awesomeness just right
3. I'm selfish, and will never do anything I don't want to do
4. I smell my armpits and groan
5. I don't cook
6. I dress terribly
7. I'm possessive
8. I'm insensitive
9. I'm Lazy
10. My face is asymmetrical, and my left ear is bigger than the other
11. I have average sized hands
12. I can't play any instrument, I don't even appreciate music
13. I would have a lot of other girl friends
14. I would spend a lot of time playing sports and computer games
15. I need a lot of alone time
16. I would behave terribly at events and functions
17. I walk too fast
18. I'm opinionated and argumentative and I always win
19. I have a mullet
20. I lie whenever it suits me
21. I like cats
22. I like to fight, I'm violent
23. I hate driving
24. I don't listen when I'm busy (eg. I'm reading a book, I won't hear when people talk to me)
25. I like celery
26. I eat from the jar, drink from the carton
27. I'm too reckless
28. I have cold hands
29. I'm not good at badminton
30. I'm anti-social, and I hate crowds

Naughty Kids

(I was on my sister's account) sigh ty I can't believe you played along with the cheesy banter. And I even changed your name I'm so nice.

11:14 AM me: hey terrry

11:15 AM are you free next wednesday night?

42 minutes

11:57 AM Ty: why ar?

i should be

11:58 AM me: cos my family will be out and i'll be lonely

11:59 AM Ty: oh ok...

well..wat do you wanna do?

me: what do you wanna do?

Ty: im not up for anything physical...

i feel that's just not right for now

me: really?

i think it's right now

Ty: hmm..oklah

me: it's just gonna get harder if u put it off

Ty: if you think its right then alright

12:00 PM my place or yours?

me: i was thinking the park

Ty: wah...nice....one problem tho...

i have sensitive skin...

the park might not be a good place

12:01 PM me: i don't see what skin has to do with it

i thought we're gonna exercise

jog or smth

seriously terry

you're still young, u shud lose that belly while ur metabolism is stll one of a young person

Ty: cos the air in the park is dirty mar

I AM LOSING MY BELLY!!!!!!!!!

12:02 PM me: sure sure

i'm quite shallow

yet at the same time deep

cos i can't stand unfitness

12:03 PM yet i can accept you if u show that you're TRYING to be fit

12:04 PM wah this is not bad. i'm gonna blog abt it

prety funny

Ty: about the physical thing?

can yuou not mention my name

please

me: this whole converstation la

hahaha

why

don't worry la

no one readsmy blog

Ty: haha

dont say that

im sure people do

12:05 PM me: you're just saying that

Ty: no im not...seriously...

me: do you read my blog?

Ty: how come you and kristy think the same wan

ish

When I feel down...

I'll do 500 crunches...


...50 chin-ups...


...and run for an hour.



Then I'll watch Joe Jonas dance.

Another List of (Stupid?) things I want to Do

1. Travel the world without planning
2. Milk a farm animal
3. (Try to) make friends with the person in the next toilet stall while having a shit
4. Play hide-and-seek in a mall
5. Hit on attached girls, especially those with violent, over-possessive boyfriends.
6. Name my son La
7. Join PDRM (Police DiRaja Malaysia)
8. Run barefoot through a forest
9. Ride a really really big bike
10. Freerun wearing a flasher-trenchcoat, and nothing else
11. Never have a girlfriend
12. Teach my dog how to talk
13. Learn Elvish
14. Do naughty stuff in public places
15. Make Molotov cocktails
16. Make a pipe-bomb too, just in case
17. Read the Bible in one go
18. Cook
19. Stealthily unhook bras of unsuspecting victims
20. Avoid taking a bath for as long as I can

List of (Stupid?) things I want to Do.

1. Live in a cardboard box
2. Shoot a really really big gun
3. Run till I faint
4. Starve myself, then eat till I can't move
5. Walk on hot coals
6. Get my nose broken in a fight
7. Spend all winter having sex
8. Swim naked
9. Make too many babies
10. (Try to) catch fish with my bare hands
11. Rock climb with no gear
12. Jump off a bridge
13. Jump off a plane
14. Test my height limit for belly flops into water
15. Get addicted to something
16. Make a lot of money and give it all away
17. Build an igloo
18. Destroy a car with my hockey stick
19. Know everything
20. Break into someone's house and steal panties

Skype!

I have an account. Add me if you would like 5 hour conversations from midnight till the Islam dudes in the mosques start their morning singing! It's FREE! Skype is so bad for my health I tell you.

My id is jaredgoon

If you don't have an account you should get one now.

www.skype.com

HahaHa I love talking. Seriously, I'd talk about things I didn't care about at all, as long as the person I'm talking with cares about it.
I wanted to tag this post, and I have a label called "I think it's funny". So, I think this is funny!

...

"Jared, do you think I'm funny?"

"Sure. You're really funny, Elselyn."

"Thanks. I don't know why, but apparently some people don't think I'm funny! I used to think everyone thought I'm funny!"

"Oh my god! Who are these people? What kinda asses are they? They must have no sense of humor at all!"

Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock

Research has shown that 85.762% of rock-paper-scissors contests between people who know each other well end in draws. Thus, it is proposed that two additional choices, Lizard and Spock. Learn how to play Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock from the diagram below.


Rock blunts scissors, scissors cut paper, paper wraps rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard eats paper, paper is too low tech for Spock, Spock vaporizes lizard, whose tail grows back after being cut off by scissors, scissors cuts Spock, but Spock vaporizes rock.

Mmm this is just so I remember how to play the game, actually.

Die, Lizard, Die!

For two Indians. And I wanted pictures on my blog.




One day, I was eating my sandwich happily. I like peanut butter.


But then suddenly a lizard was flying to me.



I killed the lizard with my lunch box. The brand was Tupperware. I was trying to catch it, but I only caught the back half.



I should have signed at the bottom of my artwork....

Smile like you mean it.

OooOooOoo sma-aile like you mean it,
Oh cause then you'll really feel it,
Feel that sickening disgusting jooo-oy...
You know, it's imaginary
and chemical reactory
It's as real as bunnies flying in the bree-eeze...

And you get haiii-igh-igh-ighy....
Feel the rush of eating pie-eye-eye-eyey...


(Repeat over and over again forever and ever Amen.)

This is a song. If you don't know how to sing it you need to ask me how. But if you find a tune that fits, then...


OooOooOoo sma-aile like you mean it,
Oh cause then you'll really feel it,
Feel that sickening disgusting jooo-oy...
You know, it's imaginary
and chemical reactory
It's as real as bunnies flying in the bree-eeze...

And you get haiii-igh-igh-ighy....
Feel the rush of eating pie-eye-eye-eyey...

The Smell of Aged Adventure/ INFIDELS! *fist up*

Introduction
This is a story that Denise wrote, and I finished. As you read it, keep in mind the questions, "What is the smell of aged adventure?" "How does this story have anything to do with INFIDELS?" and "Who the heck names their daughter Ike?"


------------------------------------------------------

“I’m home!” I heard my mother say as she closed our front door and headed to the kitchen with the groceries that she had bought for the week. They usually included just enough for two, she and I. Ever since we moved here, my father hadn’t been spending much time with us. Every night, he’d come home when everyone was already asleep. It did not look like my parents were at the greatest point of their marriage life.

When I heard the door slam, I groaned to show her that I had heard her and then continued trying to solve the problem that was in front of me.

“If the train moves west at a speed of 25mph, what time will it reach its destination 30 miles away?” I mumbled to myself, trying to apply the notes we had taken during class earlier that day.

I could hear the sounds of pots and pans knocking against each other, evidence that my mother was cooking dinner that night. She didn’t always cook dinner; there would usually have to be a special day or event for her to bring her culinary skills to the table.

Before long, dinner was ready and the table was set. What confused me was that there was a third placemat set. Could my father be coming home to eat? If he did, it would be a first in the last six months.

“Mom, why is there a third placemat set? Is Dad coming home to eat?”

“Oh, no,” she said, with a mischievous smile, “We have a special guest today.”

“Who is it?” I asked, while trying to figure out who it might be.

Could it be Aunt Linda? Or perhaps Grandmother decided to drop by, I thought. I loved it whenever Grandmother came to stay with us; she always bought me presents and would personalize it with a note of encouragement, usually about my studies or my family.

Mother refused to budge and so I gave up. Because the mystery guest had not arrived yet, I decided to continue on my math. I somehow felt excited about the special guest, yet there was a tiny feeling deep inside that was worrying. I wasn’t sure what it was that was causing it so I tried to forget it and focused on math.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and my mom ran excitedly to open it. I looked at her in curiosity as she passed, wondering what, or rather who, might be the cause of all her sudden happiness. The door opened. I heard murmurs, as if this mystery person and my mother had planned this surprise all along.

My mother was laughing as if she had no cares in the world. Walking arm-in-arm beside her was the mystery guest. It was a man; a handsome one at that. They were walking towards me and suddenly the thought entered my head, “Mom is having an affair!”

My breathing began to increase and the room suddenly felt like an oven. Thoughts began to rise rapidly in my head. My head was spinning. I could not believe I had never thought of it earlier. Mom was an attractive and lonely woman. He was a good-looking man, but there was something about him that I did not like the second I laid eyes on him. Was it the permanent smirk-like mouth he had on while walking towards me? Was it because when he stepped in the house, he smelled like aged adventure? Or could it be that he just looked almost too perfect? The color of his hair told me he was at his 50s - a dark hue of brown that was turning grey. Even so, he didn't seem to be short of charm and attractiveness.

I kept reminding myself not to make assumptions. There must be a logical explanation to his visit. Maybe he was just a really close gay friend that my mother had made at work? Or some old acquaintance passing through town that my mother felt obliged to entertain over dinner? My head continued to spin even faster as I saw them approaching in slow motion. I wouldn’t have minded if I could have fast-forwarded to when I would be alone in my room thinking about what had just happened.

They finally entered the dining room, where I sat, dumbfounded at all that was going on. I pinched myself as a reminder that they could see through the transparent expression on my face. They stood, while I sat, in silence for awhile.

“Hi,” I managed, with a put-on smile, “I’m—“

“Honey, this is your father,” my mother interrupted me.

I screamed hysterically. How else did my mother and this strange stranger who could not be my father expect me to react? I jumped violently from my seat onto the table and shouted into my mother’s face, “What is wrong with you?! This is not Dad! Dad is fat, balding and smells of beer and cheap perfume, not aged adventure!”

“Calm down, Ike.”

I was calm. What had just happened? I was confused, but no longer hysterical. My mind felt like a lizard under a hot afternoon sun; sluggish, slow. The racing thoughts of a moment before were now floundering in a viscous, murky soup.

“I am your father,” said the man who looked too perfect. And smelled like leather and books. Soft, old leather and musty, forgotten tomes. The smell of aged adventure.

I believed him. I didn’t know why. Who was the person I thought of as “Dad”? Why did my mother marry him? What were we having for dinner? I never found the answers to those questions.

My father told me that I believe because I know. I know that I’m different, that I don’t belong. 15 years ago, he came to Earth to begin an experiment. It was time to bring back the results.