Love and God

"I am terrified of love. I think that true love is not just in loving others but also in allowing one's self to be loved by others."
-Jeannette, my sister.

When I read that on my sister's blog, my gizzard did a little flip-flop and the strings of my gut twanged so hard they nearly snapped. What I mean is that it struck me real hard.

I realized that I've never asked anyone to love me, I've never let anyone love me. I would be willing to die for any one of my friends, and I thought that meant that I loved them. But I never even considered what they would do for me, I never expected anything, I never thought of their feelings, because I thought that being loved was irrelevant, and of no importance.

I've never known true love.

I treat my relationship with God is just like any other. I've never felt like I needed Him, rather I arrogantly promise that if He ever asks me to do anything, I will not hesitate.

I need to realize I need God.
I need to be humble.
I need to be vulnerable.

How hard can it be? All I have to do is throw away a lifetime of believing that I'm invincible.

Love Never Fails

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

- 1 Corinthians 13

Do you believe in destiny?

Luck, Destiny, Fate, and the Will of God. They're all the same to me.

To Infinity and Beyond

Never be satisfied, never lie to yourself that the way you are now is acceptable, because it is not.

Do not be intimidated by perfection, by the impossible, because they are not the final goal.

Be happy with who you will become, and make that a part of who you are now.

My religion? I'm a Christian.

This post was going to be a long vehement argument against the phrase "Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship". I was going to define the word religion, and show that Christianity is indeed a religion no matter what the person at the pulpit or beside you may say.

I was going to go on and on, saying things like...

"They tell you to be not of the world, but they're preaching an understanding of religion that is of the world" and...

"Religion isn't just rituals. Religion isn't just rules. Religion isn't dry and musty. Religion is your beliefs, your worldview, your principles, your choice-making-system" and...

"Christianity isn't just a relationship, it's a religion! And your religion should be everything to you, because your religion is your life."

.
.
.

But yeah. I got lazy and so, you have these bunch of random thoughts.

If you actually want to know more, ask.

Fist to Heaven

" 'God will help us soon now, won't He?'

'You silly little thing. Don't you know that we must not settle what God is to do for us? We must have patience and wait His time.' "

-from The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann Wyss.

...

God has a plan. The Plan, you could call it. It's the Plan of the universe, of existence, it is all that has happened and is to come. The Creator has set everything into motion, He knows where it will go, and since He is God, it will go there.

They will say this is comforting. Knowing that your good God has a plan for you, do you not feel reassured? Do you not feel safe and secure? Your future will be what God has planned for you, no matter what.

That's right. It doesn't matter what you do, or who you are. God's plan for you WILL come to pass, because God's Plan will come to pass.

Yes, whoever you are, I assure you, believe these words. Even if you are a homeless refugee, even if you are an abused child, a victim of rape, a homosexual, a woman-trapped-in-a-man's-body, even a bastard child or an aborted fetus; no matter who you are, God's plan for you is at work.

Yes! Even if you die a pointless useless death and live a pointless useless life, be assured and be satisfied, for God's plan for you was fulfilled!

Oh and do not bother your little mind about the what-ifs and whys. It is absurd to consider these things, because faith in your God is all you need. You cannot see the big picture, no matter how hard you try, so patiently wait for Him to reveal it to you in His time.

...

Lame.

I raise my fist to heaven.

Dear Kristy

I can't write to you now. People make jokes about the wheelchair, about me hopping around. I laugh. I really am... happy. I wouldn't let a sprain stop me from being happy. But it's the reason I can't write.

You're one of the only people I'm completely honest with, you always have been. I didn't want you to see my despair. The frustration.
It's not just the ankle. It's more than that. It's about being weak. It's about what I am.
The injury just gave me too much time to think.

I'm holding back on you now. I can't tell you everything. I'm sorry. I'll talk about something else.

...

Why do we seek help in times of weakness? Why do we seek God? I say "we", but I mean other people. They say it is God's way of showing us that we need him. I'm not arrogant. Not in this matter, at least. I just don't feel the need to depend on someone else.
In fact, I feel furthest from God when I'm weak.

Do you know that story about magic? I read it in some old fantasy anthology. The book didn't even have a cover.


It was about two boys who wanted to learn magic. They went into the desert where a magician lived in a tower, and asked him to teach them. The magician gave them chores, and only taught them the most basic methods of meditation.

One day, he took the boys out into the desert, for a stroll. When they reached the top of a dune, they saw a large monster. Unfortunately, the monster saw them too. The magician could have fought it, but he closed his eyes, called upon his magic, and flew into the sky.

The monster was getting closer. One of the boys remembered a small cave, too small for the monster, that they had passed a while back, and turned around, ran to it quickly. The other boy closed his eyes. Desperately.

In the sky, the magician told his pupil, "Magic comes to those who need it."


Yours,

Jared.

Sheep

I can't sleep. But thinking of sheep makes me think of a bunch of other things.

Church. Argument. Nice Normal. I'm too lazy to explain.

Argument. What is it for?

I'm thinking of being a father. I never want to make my kid do something "because I said so." How could I be so hypocritical? I want my children to choose to do what they do because they believe it is right. Because they have understanding and knowledge.
I don't want sheep that do what they're told simply because they're told what to do.

What happens when we disagree?

The Accident

It roamed through the mess.
It moved without rest.
Not knowing how long it had roamed.
It knew all there is to be known.

Nothing beyond reach.
It would fit no niche.
An existence with no meaning.
There can be no such thing.

It raised the Phoenix from the ashes.
A babe suffers thirty-nine lashes.
He said "You are mine to barter."
She said "You are not my master."

It is perfect. Is it good?
Do not ignore its need for food.
It is complete. Is it whole?
Something solid does not have holes.

Questions without answers,
might put you in danger.
But how can you trust,
someone who's a stranger?